My Testimony

This is the testimony of a survivor.

A RAW and real life journey of a broken child and young woman that was transformed into a ADOPTED daughter by a Heavenly Father.

This is my story, I was born in December up north in what I think of as a semi small town surrounded by family. I was and am an only child. I was raised by a strong mother who has over came more than you could ever know.

This is where it begins. I remember as far back is roughly 1 to 1 1/2 years old. Unbelievable, I know, but trauma can have that effect and I have a memory of an elephant, haha. I remember my bedroom, what my crib bedding looked like, my jack and Jill closet that I would play in, and even the beautiful crystal door knobs with goldish brass bases. I can truly say I love some of the memories from that time, but let’s get to the real part of my Testimony.

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.

At the young age of 2-3 years old I could talk more than half the kids on the block. Nothing has changed with that I’m still a talker. One day while my mother was at work, my dad cared for me. It should be what dads do. However, he was not a true dad. He was an evil person who abused my mom in ways a child should never see. There was physical, emotional, and verbal abuse of my mother, but it did not stop there. All of those times I had witnessed, now I became the prey. I will spare you the details of my memory, but like I said, God blessed me with the ability to talk at an early age, so I was able to let mom know, “Daddy hurt”. A mother’s worst fear actualized.

My amazing and strong mother took immediate action. Eventually, all the situations led to we had to flee from the entire life we knew. We had to change our entire life from ground up. It was as though we were dropped back on earth and hundreds of miles away from anything we ever knew. We lost everything including our home and our family. We lived some time in shelters to keep us safe and protected. Then we finally arrived to the beautiful Outer Banks where we started over. You would think it would end there, but that really wasn’t even the worst part. I began to have a lot of emotional issues. I was hurt and very angry. Through the process of courts, doctors, and all the things that come with abuse I was overwhelmed with trauma. I didn’t know how to process it. How do you at the age of 3-4? But we began to start over anyways.

My mom found a job where she could help others through the same situations she once lived. So I began to go to a local church daycare. The daycare leader was the first person I felt close to outside of my mom.  I was safe, loved, and still get choked up to even be typing about her, because she is still so dear to my heart. Mrs. Terry was her name. Gosh, she is an angel at heart, who God sent for me.  I would go early before any other kids arrived and Mrs. Terry would work with me. She would sing and read to me until I settled down. That became a safe shelter and second home for me. I believe to this day that is why I quickly seek the doors of the church every possible chance. To some it seems like over kill, but as I share this testimony, I realize that’s where I truly first encountered God and His love and peace, before I knew what it even was. I’m drawn to church because I’m drawn to Him. I began therapy a few years later and a lot of testing. The physicians diagnosed me with nearly everything mentioned in the mental health book. I was put on more medication than you can imagine. At one point, I was taking around 8 pills in a day. I hated the robot feeling and yet I was still angry and unable to really process the trauma. My mom did everything she could in her power and limited knowledge of how to handle the situation. You can’t do what you don’t know.

In my younger years, I was placed in a facility for troubled youth. The facility is now shut down due to their cruel and inhumane ways of doing things. However, there was one sweet woman, I don’t remember her name, but I can describe what she looked like and the smell of her perfume to this day. She would brush my hair and help me shower. She would tuck me in each night. Her actions were very opposite to the abuse and how we were treated most of the time. Some of the maltreatment was being forced to eat foods you didn’t like. If you threw them up, you either ate what you threw up or got a whole new big bowl of it. Bullying between all the children was not prevented and sometimes encouraged. I will leave it at that. I would fall asleep at the table because I couldn’t get the food down until that sweet lady came on shift she take me to the room help me get cleaned up and tuck me in. I had night terrors in which I would wake up soaked in sweat. The night guard who was roughly a 300–400lb black man, around 30 years old, would get so furious. It was almost a nightly thing. He would make me follow a whole routine before being allowed to lay back down. I had to strip my bed at 2-3 A.M., put my stuff in the wash, re-make my bed, and shower before being able to lay back down. Still he would be so upset with me. I couldn’t help it. He would yell at me and spread false truths that I peed the bed, when it was just sweat from the night terrors. Every time it happened he would yell what was wrong with me. I would cry and plead that I didn’t. I would swear it was sweat. He also was the guard responsible to take me during one of my  enraged fits to the mat room. It was the room right next to the school room. He would lay me stomach down, hands behind my back, and sit on me so I couldn’t move. I would cry and say how I couldn’t breath and he would demand me to get silent to be let up. I was very young. At this time I was between the ages of 8-10. My mom was told how helpful the facility would have been. When I was allowed to visit my mom, during one of the visits, I finally shared what I was going through.

That’s when God gave me a second angel. Dr. Reid. He was a saving grace in that time. He made it so my mom had all the necessary documentation in order to regain full custody away from the facility. The facility wasn’t hard to get into, but it was almost impossible to leave. It took time and a lot of work, but I was freed from the facility. After leaving the facility, Dr. Reid was able to get me off all the medications. I no longer felt like a robot. My spark had started to return. More importantly, this angel gave me back a life with my mom.

I have been to so many therapists, of many kinds, and so often, I can walk you through it myself. I became an expert, really. We always attended church. My mom was always deeply involved. So I was back to a semi-normal life. However, I still held a lot of anger and resentment. I was rebellious. I wanted my own way because the scared child in me believed if I had control, then I was safe. In my bitterness and rage, I loathed my dad. I wished him dead and envisioned what I would do in all the different scenarios, if I ever encountered him. It was not the facility that made the difference, it was not any of the therapists who helped heal the anger I had. I truly only overcame all that when God revealed to me Jesus died for him, just as much as he died for me.

I sent him a message a few years back. I told him I forgave him. He didn’t respond well. My father’s reaction showed me he hasn’t changed, but the forgiveness was not really for him. It was for me. I became free from nightmares and anger. Forgiveness gave me back a restored life. Forgiveness is you surrendering and letting go, breaking any bonds in your life.

To the next part of my journey, knowing Christ deeper, I was truly set free. I was in church and I knew of God but I didn’t know God. I still lived in sin. I got high, I drank and had sex, all from the age of 12. Anything to make me feel good or loved or to fit in and to be liked. I was bullied in school to the point I dropped out. I then moved out at the age of 16. Mom’s house mom’s rules didn’t work for me. I stopped going to church and got in with rough crowds, I met my now husband, who at a young age was an alcoholic. He was into some drugs and other addictions he too wanted to numb his life. His family was a toxic mess and he lived in an environment, that even I had never experienced before. But he was sweet and kind and gave me a place to stay. It was fun to live there for a few months until the toxic family and their violence led me into a back of a cop car, for something I didn’t do. In the back of the cop car … pregnant but unaware  at the time and terrified. I was forced to go back to my mother’s house due to my age. I didn’t want to be a single pregnant teen. Jeremy had a decision to make and he stepped up. He moved in to my mom’s with me.

I started over again for the fourth time in my life. I will skip some parts because I want to jump to the season of finding my faith again. We started to go to church and it was the first real time Jeremy had ever gone to church. But he also still drank a lot. The stories, the struggles and the trauma of his addiction led to heavy consequences on me and our relationship. With the move to mom’s he had changed some, but still not nearly enough for an effective and healed relationship and future marriage. My mom’s job moved us to Stanfield, NC. Some of the consequences of the alcoholism led to a lost driver’s license. While he was able to get a job and hold it, his lost  license was hard. This led to more trials of the consequences that followed the past choices, but Jeremy was working hard and helping care for me and our son. Then we began a church up here, Lee park. I began to have my eyes opened and got saved. Jeremy began to change some but addiction is hard and until you give it to God, it will continue to consume you. I continued to smoke weed and cigarettes for a time. I’d drink from time to time, too, because in my eyes I could handle my liquor. Weed gave me normal feelings versus the robotic like feeling of medication. So I self medicated for a time and thought God put it here, so it didn’t hurt to use. That’s a lie of the enemy. My choice was just as toxic as his. Fast forward after we got married and moved again we both stopped our usage of drugs. Yes, weed is a drug, I hate to burst your bubble, but smoking weed and eating edibles to get high is just that! It is an altered mind. The Bible says 1 peter 5:8 be sober-minded be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour.

  I stopped drinking a few years after that altogether because God also says in Romans 14:13 instructs believers to stop judging one another and instead resolve not to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother or sister. For Jeremy drinking was a problem therefore I should no longer do something that could trip him in his walk. You would think our lives were radically changed after that, but it wasn’t.

Fast forward and another move back to Stanfield from the next town over and we started a new church. I dove deep into God, but alone. Jeremy acted differently between the house and the church. Even though some things were better, we were still in a cycle that didn’t glorify God. I was not kind when he was acting the way he did at times and treating me the way he was. To me he was a roommate that brought a paycheck in and I led the family. I was harsh with him and pointed it out. I was judging, bitter, and broken hearted through all the lies, infidelity through lustful images, and secrets. I did not handle it in a biblical way and it got worse, despite praying and fighting. I couldn’t fix him and I still needed work, but I began to slowly let go. I became numb until I was hurt again and then was devastated. We had another set of spiritual brothers and sisters come into our life.

This is when God truly shifted our hearts and life. They spoke life into us. At the most needed time, they coached us through some very hard times, in a biblical manner, always sending us right back to God. They taught us how to love like Jesus. Jeremy has his own testimony through all of this and it really woke him up to take on the roll he is now walking in. It was something we needed and hadn’t been taught, even though I grew up in the church. That’s when radical change happened.

I went from looking on filing for divorce and what ever that meant as a stay-at-home single mom, even though the thought terrified me. To truly giving my life, every single cell of my being, and surrendering my marriage to God. Every single part of me. I began to battle the right way. I put warrior prayers up all over my wall for myself,  my kids, my husband. I began to press into those. I began to read more about spiritual warfare, as I have encountered things you would think aren’t true, but the evil world we live in and the spiritual battle we face is as real as you and me. I began breaking off generational curses that were over our lives. I would sit alone in my room, just me and God. I began to praise Him in every storm and attack. I have had some serious church hurt that God has taught me how to be humble, to give grace, and let things fall off of me like a bead of rain falls off an umbrella. He has covered me and I now can be kind and loving, even when I’m being talked to horrible or lied about it. Yeah, I may walk through the emotions, but I surrender them to God and align myself with His truth and His word.

My life feels like a dream. My marriage feels like a movie. I always wanted the joy and peace that I had witnessed others have, but couldn’t understand how they got it. I wanted a marriage that was full of love and joy and the ability to talk through hard things without the anger or the yelling with all the pain that I had once carried. I have that now. I have the blessing of a God centered marriage and a God centered life. My husband and I now lead a house church under the umbrella of our Acts 2 house church. I am now going to school for Christian Ministry. My life is truly new.  I recently read in Priscilla Shire‘s new book. I surrender all about adoption and how our old identity  is what we were in during the waiting process of adoption. God was always sitting there with us waiting for us to say OK I’m ready. I’m ready to sign those papers and the moment that we accept him, we are adopted. Our identity is no longer what we were, but who we now are in Christ. We are not just renewed. We are new. When we accept God as our Lord and Savior we lean into him and we surrender our life. We have a freedom and a joy that only those who have a true close and intimate relationship with the Lord can understand. My husband is not who he once was. I am not who I once was. We are filled with the Holy Spirit and radically in love with our Lord and Savior and so in return, we have the fruits of a radically changed life.

That is my story. That is my testimony. A once broken child, to broken young woman, to a broken family to now a new creation saved by the blood of Jesus. Saved by a gracious and merciful God who saved us from our chains of sin. Now we live a life of freedom restoration and testimonies that can help change the world.

Your testimony doesn’t have to be as in depth as mine.  All you have to do is narrow down the moments God showed up and your old self died. The moments where you are now and how God transformed you. I am sharing my testimony in depth today because I want to be real and raw. I want others to know it’s not always a right away thing and sometimes you have to break things off that you may not even know is there. I thought at times I had fully surrendered and yet couldn’t understand why I was still so stuck and broken. It wasn’t until I walked through it that it clicked for me and I understood. Also, I want others to know they are not alone, in the society where we only show the best part of our lives.

I want to close with a few verse I hold dear.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Psalms 56:3 when I am afraid I will put my trust in you.